Loneliness

 

Assignment for class:
List one thing you are experiencing that you never expected when you left your abuser, explain.

Flipping off the lights I listen to the humming of the overhead fan. As I crawl into bed, my head lands on the big white fluffy pillow the day’s events randomly run through my thoughts. I turn to speak stopped by the emptiness of the other side of the bed. Remembering no one shares my covers with me anymore. Turning back I continue listening to the fan until my mind stops and falls into a restless sleep.

3

The evening news has a ridiculous report I call out your name to share the stupidity, abruptly I stop, recalling no one is here. Gossip at work, craziness downtown, something broke my heart, stirred feelings of happiness; these go unshared. Hours of being alone watching TV, discovering new music, no hand to hold, no lips to kiss, no snuggling on the couch or smile that melts, these are the moments you don’t realize you will crave.

 

2

You get a divorce thinking life will be peaceful and satisfying when loneliness pounces on you like a lion. A majestic roar deafens your sense of accomplishment. The nothingness sinks its teeth into everything you do; feasting on your contentment. Lying in the shadows he watches waiting to creep into the darkest the deepest depth of your soul. Borden sets in attacking any glimmers of hope and shredding any peace. While the shadows of night fall, Loneliness snarls.

4

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teri again

I like a glass of wine or a shot of Irish whiskey once in a while. I love to dance. I do genealogy for fun and profit. I enjoy history. I collect elephants. I am a Christian. My children are my biggest priority. I love music it's a varied taste. I want to visit Alaska and Ireland. Living in Oregon is my goal. I love the books: The hobbit and The Lord of the rings.

42 thoughts on “Loneliness”

  1. Not easy, especially as it sounds like he cut you off from family and friends.

    Perhaps you can find something you enjoy doing and meet people that way. Hard. Rebuilding a life. But worth it. You’re worth it. Please never forget that.

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  2. Ah, the big LONELINESS. I am sorry to say, it never goes away. The loss is chained to you forever. All those memories that you are cut off from. Impossible to forget or ignore, but surrounded by too much garbage to hold close; like a rose, beautiful but piercing. It will never be the same again but if nothing else, peace does come, (for me it took a very very long time) but it does come. The loneliness still creeps in, even though I have finally moved on, because it is a different life, not my first fairy tale. Keep on going. You will get there. Get a baby star light that puts the universe at your fingertips on the ceiling. It helps with the monsters at night. Every baby step counts. You are worth it, you deserve it, and you will make it happen. You, now, are the director of the sequels to that movie and can make any changes necessary!

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  3. Married or single, loneliness is part of the human condition. We can be lonely in a crowd, and certainly lonely as half a couple (especially a dysfunctional couple). Somehow we survive. As you reclaim your independence, you’ll find that you’re stronger than you. ❤

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  4. So sorry what your going through..idont know how your loneliness feels but here is many different kinds of loneliness so I do know how mine feels and it hard so she stay strong go out with friends tell them all you stated and take it one step at a time. Thinking of you.

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    1. Thanks for sharing. So sorry for your loneliness. In group most of the ladies said it will change in time. Its just not what I expected I couldn’t wait to get out from underneath his thumb. 😀

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  6. Isn’t there a sort of refractory period where — living mostly apart from all the things one hated about a partner — one remembers all the things one did like? I have always experienced this in non-abusive relationships. Thankfully even a brief re-exposure to the bad stuff has typically been enough to remind me why I’m happier now. I’ve concluded it’s okay to say “I miss that thing but it’s not worth all the other stuff.”

    Hang in there. Thinking of you.

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    1. I really don’t miss him I just miss having someone to talk to and share my life with. I miss compainship. I haven’t got all the way away from him. After all, we do live in the same house just in different parts of it and with very little interaction. Thanks for your kind thoughts

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      1. As someone who hasn’t quite walked through that door yet, I admit it gives me pause. It feels barren and cold. But my yearning for quiet will prevail and I’m afraid I’ll deserve my loneliness.

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  8. The loneliness is a surprise steming from boredom. It sneaks in awhile after the seperation. At first I enjoyed the reprive from the constant baggering. I will find some one to talk to even if I have to get a parrot. 🤣

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  9. Teri,
    I can’t say, “oh I know what your going through.” But what I can say is that everyone has a bright light at the end of the tunnel, it might not be at this very moment, but I do know that it’s there waiting for you with open arms, great lips 👄 and a beautiful heart ❤️
    Love you 😘 my dear friend.

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  14. As long as you know, those things can be solved but finding a friend to talk to in the evenings or fill your time with writing, reading or blogging. I watch television, movies and read much more than when I had someone who stole my time away by making a roller coaster ride out of my emotions. I worked at a battered women’s shelter and this is a very common lament. I have little patience for longing for a bad person’s return. My best friend called me (after I read to my three children nightly) and we would talk about simple joys and moments of our days until our eyes were closing. Find peace and embrace it, as well as begin to live and value yourself. Best wishes. . . Join a support group. . . Volunteer to sit with dying people at hospice. ❤

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  15. This was an assignment from my support group. I was supposed to write about something that surprised me about my divorce. I am in no way thinking of returning to my ex. I appreciate all the private messages and expressed concerns, but I assure you I am on solid ground. Thanks

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  17. Teri, this is so apt!! When I left my ex, I was living with my daughter, then the baby came, so I was never alone! when I moved into my own place, for the first time ever, I was alone. The biting analogy of the lion is so perfectly fitting!!
    I’m so grateful to see that you aren’t planning to go back to him. I dated mine for a few months this year. We even went to Christian marriage counseling. didn’t work out again. shocker! Seems neither one of us had changed enough. Moving on!

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  18. This is so moving. And so well captured. Loneliness snarls. Such a pointed way to capture it. Loneliness really is one of the cruelest pangs a human being has to contend with. I think everyone has experienced it at some point and it is a very difficult hole to climb out of. You capture the pain of it here so well. My heart was particular tugged by the line “A majestic roar deafens your sense of accomplishment”. We don’t deserve that. We must fight that lion with every ounce of strength we possess. Xxx

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