It’s Just Us

On St. Patrick’s Day I always make Corn beef and cabbage. It’s kind of a tribute to my Irish heritage. A week before St. Patrick’s Day I asked my son if he could cook it because I work a 10-hour shift. He replied, “Ok, but it will be just us are you sure you want me to cook it for just us?” I told him he was right it made little sense to cook a holiday dinner for just the two of us.

I went to work, and it kept gnawing at the back of my mind. So what are you going to do Teri quit celebrating holiday’s because you’re not married anymore? What about Christmas and Thanksgiving?

Friday night at D.V. group I was still irritated with the situation. When my turn came around I inquired how other ladies handle holidays. The answer was disheartening, most had similar reasoning and agreed that it didn’t make sense to go through all the hoopla for just them and the kids. They were too tired, or it cost too much and how they can’t do everything. After several women gave their opinion Karen asked what I thought of the feed back. Weird question from her.

My forehead scrunched up with confusion, “Why? Did we only do it for him?” I was staring at the light hanging from the ceiling. “Yes, I can see now that even after we leave, they still win. We quit living.” Taking a deep breath I looked around, “Why would I be too tired to do all the hoopla when I just have my children to celebrate with and not be too tired when I am living with someone who drained the life out of me?” I looked at Karen, “Why is it if we are no longer with our abuser we are no longer a family?” Slightly shaking my head, “I’m sorry, I really think I need to live even if he isn’t there. My family is me and my kids right now! Why would I give us less than I would him? Personally, I will not let him win by only existing without him.”

Karen smiled at me, “You are learning a new way of thinking.”

My son and I feasted on the Corn beef and cabbage he made. It was just us and we had a great dinner.

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teri again

I like a glass of wine or a shot of Irish whiskey once in a while. I love to dance. I do genealogy for fun and profit. I enjoy history. I collect elephants. I am a Christian. My children are my biggest priority. I love music it's a varied taste. I want to visit Alaska and Ireland. Living in Oregon is my goal. I love the books: The hobbit and The Lord of the rings.

47 thoughts on “It’s Just Us”

  1. Happy St Patrick’s Day!

    I feel like being a single adult means that I have the freedom to decide which holidays are really important to me, and celebrate them the way *I* want. I hope you enjoy the process of figuring it out — you can try new things if you like, or just enjoy the peaceful atmosphere.

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  2. Thank you for your comment.
    I totally agree. I am excited to do some of the things I was never allowed. There is a voice in my head that argues with me saying it just you and the kids is it worth it. Like we are not a real family, unfortunately, I have learned it is a common voice for DV ladies.

    I hope it didn’t sound like I was judging my sisters for not celebrating st. Patrick’s day or any other holiday. I was trying to write be about me learning about living not existing. It’s a behavior most DV victims fall into.
    Thanks again for the comment. I enjoy the feed back.

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  3. No, not all. I hear that in my head, too. If I’m tired on (say) Rosh Hashanah, should i make a big meal just for me? (I don’t have kids). Do I need to make green bean casserole on Thanksgiving even though I have never liked it? Is it okay to just spend a holiday at home napping and reading? But I love having the choice …

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  4. So, I think I need to ask you what the DV group is, and will you PM me where you meet? Teri, thank you for your insight and courage, and I am sure that in your thoughts on relationships, and our identity, whether with a man, or not, that you are way beyond me, Girl! Thank you for expressing your thoughts, which are right, and I pray I’ll give myself the courage to be alone, and not be feeling like a man completes me!
    When my kids moved out, I experienced such empty nest going on, that I think I thought I lost some of me, and the pursuance of a man has been part of that journey. I actually have really awesome grown children, and the significant others in their lives are swell , too; you know this! I, like you, am grateful for those dear people in our lives; our kids, who care for us, challenge our beliefs, and love us!! Your dinner with your son was just as much needed by him, as you, I am sure. He is learning what he can do to be present and caring for the ladies in his life! I am glad you really went for it, and you guys got to have that special time!!!

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  6. As a single divorced mother I agree with you. It’s still about family and we still need to show our kids how to live. Divorce is a loss for our children too and they need to see and feel as much family as possible. You are an amazing woman and mother. You have value and gifts that you are still discovering. God is amazing and full of surprises. Every day is like Christmas, you never know what he has in store for you. Just expect it!

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  9. Holidays for me are triggers my husband seem to act the worse on holidays or any family celebration.
    I do hope you continue to look at life now differently. We fight so hard to survive everyday while we live in the abuse so we must fight just as hard now to survive outside of the abuse and rebuild our lives while we recover & heal.
    God bless you! 🙏🙏

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  10. Teri, I am sorry it has taken me so long to acknowledge your visits to my page, croneing.wordpress.com . Life has had other ideas lately. But I finally made it here and so so feel for you. I went through my divorce after 30 years of marriage just a few years before you. It’s a long road, I won’t lie, and every emotion becomes raw, unthought of events keep happening, changes in every little thing you do and then you keep changing, and bleeding, and hurting, and healing for quite some time. My kids didn’t get it. They felt like it was meant to be, divorce was no big deal, and just move on. They could not understand why it crushed me, “everybody does it”, get over it. That hurt even more. There is a light though it took forever to get here….17 years later I can finally say, I am going to be okay, even better than okay, life is good. I am now following your heartfelt posts and sending hugs and good wishes.

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  12. This post struck a lot of chords with me. I am not in the same scenario as you, but as I read I felt a little bit ashamed reading what you wrote. Since my husband and I found out we couldn’t have children, we haven’t really celebrate Christmas, we never put up decorations, what would be the point just for us. I haven’t properly celebrated a birthday in years, just a painful reminder of my age and the lack of offspring. It really isn’t good enough, and we only get to do this once. I have made a note to myself to do better. Thank you for sharing and inspiring me 🙂

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  13. Loved this.
    I too have had to start over and make what was left a home and our family. Doing anything less means we’re still being abused.

    My family is now what I make it to be. Me, my daughter and my dog. It is what it is.
    Don’t be afraid to live. Thriving in spite of him is the best revenge! Hugs 🌷

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  14. Terri, you are so right! Do not stop celebrating the holidays because you are divorced! The holidays post-divorce are a time to make new and better memories and traditions. I love IRB’s comment – you are still a family. Resolve to thrive in this new time in your life! Celebrating the holidays goes a long way toward you and your son’s divorce healing. Find joy as you find that new ‘normal’ in your life! Hugs to you and your son!

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  15. I liked your thoughtful post, Teri. I am 61, cannot believe it has been ten years gone by. My oldest daughter and my son have families. They make Me to go plates and I get to pick up delicious meals. I have a sweet little apt that is full of wonderful albums of memories but I read at age 50, a remarkable comment: “Your home is in your heart, how BIG is your world?” So, I am not a house owner but my landlord mows the grass, changes my filter on the heater 4x annually.
    There is so much freedom in this!! 🙂

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  17. You sound like an amazing person with a beautiful heart I feel for your situation but you seem very strong. I can relate with having someone with Bipolar my younger brother suffers from it and can be a challenge. My oldest my daughter suffers from anxiety and that can be a challenge while my youngest my teenage son has not a care in the world. Just take one day at a time I look forward to reading your blog .

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  20. I loved reading this Teri. I work with parents in similar situations and they same thing about it is just me and the kids. I am excited to give them this wonderfully intelligent encouragement that you have given others. Way to go I applaud your courage and bravery in sharing this empowering perspective. Great post. :)Linda

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  22. Ingredients

    3 pounds corned beef brisket with spice packet
    10 small red potatoes
    5 carrots, peeled and cut into 3-inch pieces
    1 large head cabbage, cut into small wedges
    spices:
    1/2 tsp mustard seeds
    2 bay leaves, crushed
    8 Allspice berries
    1/2 tsp salt
    1/2 tsp pepper
    Place corned beef in large pot or Dutch oven and cover with water. Add the spice packet that came with the corned beef or your seasonings or add extra to your liken. Cover pot and bring to a boil, then reduce to a simmer. Simmer approximately 50 minutes per pound or until tender.
    Add whole potatoes and carrots, and cook until the vegetables are almost tender. Then add cabbage and cook for 15 more minutes. Remove meat and let rest 15 minutes.
    Place vegetables in a bowl and cover. Add as much broth (cooking liquid reserved in the Dutch oven or large pot) as you want. Slice meat across the grain.

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  23. Wow. I finally see in print what happened to me and I was just not going to say it out loud. “They win. We quit living.”
    I have never decorated for any holiday in years….but I lost my entire family. I just can’t do it anymore. Sigh.

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    1. I am sorry about your family, that would defiantly make celebrating holidays impossible. There are many things in my life I just can’t do anymore, I am hoping once I am completely free some of my fight will come back. Thanks for sharing it helps to know there are other people who can relate.

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      1. I hope your fight comes back too. Mine never did. It used to literally almost kill me when I had to go out and see all the decorations in the stores. I hardly ever go anywhere now, so I don’t have that torture.
        Life goes on for some. I hope it does for you. Sending hugs.

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  24. Reblogged this on Anna Cottage and commented:
    A great read, as ever. Corn Beef and Cabbage looked great ( I love cabbage and large fluffy Potatoes in their skins, my Irish descent and Holidays in West Cork). Take care – Anna

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